My Imperfect Walk with Jesus and Prayer Labyrinths

When it comes to deep spirituality, I am admittedly not the best to give an opinion or write words of wisdom. However, after much thought and prayer I feel impressed to share my experience with the prayer labyrinth at this year’s YOB retreat.

I knew very little about labyrinths when this new exercise was announced. Apparently, labyrinths have been used throughout history as a way of centering oneself, focusing on God and our spiritual walk.

Now, before we get started on this walk – let me remind you, dear readers, that I have cerebral palsy, and hence my walk will be a bit stumbly as I try to follow this narrow path. That’s not bad; it’s just different. If any of us were walking perfectly, we would not need Jesus’ grace, and that’s a whole other heresy that I’ll let those wiser than me address.

Many of us in “Side B” circles shout for “transparency,” but for me, at least, it’s a lot easier to preach than practice. Case in point – initially, I experienced trepidation about the narrowness of the labyrinth and that the focus would be on walking the gravel path through it.

I try to blend in whenever I’m walking, which of course never works. I’m not even sure why I do this, as I am generally open about my disability, and fellow YOBBERS have certainly been helpful as I’ve needed help.

Yet my disability, much like my same-sex attraction, is something that I attempt to keep hidden, if possible. No transparency to see here, folks!

As I sat and waited for my group to enter the labyrinth, I asked the Lord to calm my mind as I wanted to focus solely on Him during this walking. Ironically, often when I attempt to calm my mind it does the opposite; over time, I have learned to accept this. Like going to a free movie with no real plot, but I’m in it.

I had many thoughts, including what a special time this was with my brothers whom I only see once or twice a year. 

As I entered the labyrinth, I tried focusing only on my thoughts and walking; inevitably, however, I compared my walk with others, noting my slower, struggling pace. The way was narrow, and due to my cerebral palsy my gait is naturally broader than most people’s.

I tried not to look “odd.” I don’t know why; again, the YOBBERS know about my disability, and it’s never been an issue over several years of YOB retreats. Furthermore, every attendee focused on his own walk as we all sought the Lord together during this exercise.

My odd physical walk mirrors my odd spiritual walk. Growing up with a disability while also developing homoerotic, asexual feelings in the Bible Belt presented its set of challenges.

My family, though well-meaning, wasn’t perfect. I noted other families in my church community, those with young, able-bodied men whose families could have been church brochure models. Contrast those “perfect families” with mine, which included me, someone who wasn’t athletic or masculine. I don’t regret having these challenges; on the contrary, they shaped my Christian walk into what it is today. 

By design, a winding labyrinth can make one walking it feel further and further away from the center, though the participant does indeed get closer with every step. Due to some neurological issues, I can get directionally challenged, and this exercise brought that out in me. 

After several strides into the labyrinth, I was graciously approached and asked if I wanted to skip to the center, and that seemed like a good idea. I quietly eased myself there and simply stood there – an amazing view of the mountains on one side and the low-lying area on the other, where other YOBBERS awaited their time to enter the labyrinth.

It truly was a relaxing view. I stood in the center for a considerable amount of time. 

Initially, I felt embarrassed that I had “cheated” to reach the center (not that anyone knew, or that it even mattered). Soon, however, I found myself in a relaxed state of mind in contemplative prayer. While I certainly noticed my other brothers standing in the circle, I turned my focus to how I would exit the labyrinth and what aspects (if any) of my walk with Jesus, and also my walk with others, would change.

As I’ve reflected on this labyrinth exercise, I believe many of us in “Side B” circles wish our walks looked more like that of other believers. We may want to look or feel more masculine, or even loathe our same-sex attraction altogether.

Perhaps, like me, you have trouble staying in the lines of your walk. 

The church of today wants men who fit the masculine stereotype. The church doesn’t know, and often doesn’t care to learn, what to do with those of us who don’t fit that bill.

Still, we follow Christ and walk at our own pace; we walk as the Holy Spirit in us guides.

I’d encourage everyone on this journey to continue looking to Jesus as the One who guides our steps. Rest in the truth that no matter how wayward our steps may seem, we are ultimately walking with and toward Him.

When have you felt your walk with Jesus strayed from the lines? Do you struggle with comparing any aspect of yourself with other men and other believers?