Why Won’t God Take Away My Spirals with Sexual Sin and Depression?

I've had a few conversations with my mentees about their salvation, along with scores of questions they have for God:

Why won’t You take these sexual desires away?!
Why won’t You give me the answers I’m looking for?
Am I even saved?

At least one guy has told me he wished he were dead from feeling so tired of failing God. As I listened to him, I couldn’t help but look back at my own past because I’ve had these same questions, doubts, depression, self-loathing, guilt, anxiety, and shame.

For decades I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was gay. I thought I was bisexual, at best, because I’d had sex with five women in my teens and early twenties. Honestly, I still can’t believe I ever did that. I was so determined to be straight that I thought having sex with women would make that a reality for me. It didn’t.

I was in deep denial about being gay. I asked, begged, cried, and yelled at God to take away these feelings for men, but He never did. I went into deep depression while on so many meds to get my mind off it. For a long time I couldn’t figure out why my meds weren’t working, so I just went cold turkey and stopped taking them, and the depression only got worse. (I wouldn’t recommend this course of action.)

I even went to counseling. I saw 22 different counselors, therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, and clergy. It wasn’t until my serotonin levels got better that I realized my depression was from my sin, which in turn affected my relationship with God. I constantly sneaked off to be with men. Silly me, I thought having sex would make me feel better about myself and my relationship with God. Neither was true. The more I had sex with men, the worse my depression deepened.

I kept dealing with déjà vu. No matter how much I tried to run away from my past and the things I had done, depression kept coming back to bite me with a greater vengeance. It never cared about me or how I felt; funny, that’s just how I treated every guy I had sex with. If I didn’t know better, I’d say depression laughed at me every time.

Even when I stopped having sex with men, my past spilled over into gay porn. I exchanged one sexual addiction for a new one. If I’m honest, I don’t know which was worse: sex with men or convincing myself that gay porn justified not having sex with men.

I believed what the devil told me when he said there was no difference. In fact, he kept telling me that neither was that big of a deal because I wasn’t hurting anyone, especially with porn.

But that’s not true. I was hurting myself and my spiritual well-being. 

Several years ago, I wrote something about my struggles. I secretly wanted people to know about them so I could talk about them, but they never did. I titled this piece, “Blinded By Denial”:

For years I was a habitual liar —

A deceiver, if you will;

One who lived constantly in denial.

I would tell myself (and anyone who asked)

That I was living a good life.

That I was fine —

Everything was fine.

And for the most part,

That was true except for this one thing

I just couldn’t let go;

That I didn’t want to let go.

Because in a kinda weird way,

It brought me comfort and security.

And though this one thing

Was only for a moment;

(At most a few days a month),

I told myself I enjoyed it.

I must have.

How else can I explain why

I did it so often.

It was my secret sin.

You know what I’m talking about.

Don’t pretend you don’t.

It’s that one thing we all have that we want

No one else to find out about.

And when (or if) they do,

We deny, deny, deny.

Some of them know we're lying;

Others want to believe us

Or are just naive to the truth.

Either way, the “lie” lives on for at least another day.

And we’re relieved because

It’s kinda like our drug of choice

And we get to feel euphoria once again.

Some of us even go to extremes

To make sure nothing or no one stands between us.

And because it can be such a rush,

Especially when there’s a danger of getting caught,

We continue until someone does catch us,

Or something gets damaged,

Or someone is hurt,

Or God brings us to our knees,

Or we end up dead.

It seems that one or more of these things

Has to happen in order for us to

Get that “wake up call” we need

To change our lives.

Because even when we look at ourselves in the mirror,

We still don’t see the truth of what it’s doing to us

Or the other people in our lives.

For me, it was all the above

Except the dying, of course.

I’m not saying that I don’t slip up from time to time,

But my life is nothing like it was before.

Looking back, I realize now

It was all to cover up all the pain,

Rejection, and loneliness I felt.

But now I can honestly say I have real friends,

Family, and a God who genuinely care about me.

Because I felt I had none of these in the past,

I kept going back to my “security blanket.”

I was so mad with everybody and everything…

So focused on the moment,

That I couldn’t see what God already knew:

His plan for my life.

I’m really happy to say that I no longer

Have that crutch thanks to the events that happened

And those who cared enough to stick by me.

Like so many, I became an island of one for decades. I’m happy to say that is no longer the case thanks to the guys in YOB and some others at church, and the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you find yourself in a constant spiral from secret sexual sin, I hope you don’t wait much longer before you reach out to talk to someone.

Better yet, call on God to give you strength to stop.

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

– Romans 7:15 (ESV)

Do you struggle with ongoing cycles of secret sin and depression? What is one action step you could take beyond the spiral today — even simply commenting below?