A Coming Out Letter for My Parents

I waited until my late thirties to “come out” to my parents. I swore for years that I would never do it, but I finally caved.

I definitely don’t think that everyone needs to talk with their family about sexuality. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. No two situations are the same, but my parents have been really great. Eventually, all the filtering, editing, and compartmentalizing just grew exhausting. As difficult as it was, I knew that the time to come out to them had come.

I decided to write them in lieu of a conversation. Writing felt easier. I had much more to say than they could handle in one face-to-face sitting. So, I gave them a long, detailed, self-published book.

The following letter to my parents is an excerpt from the end of this book:

Dad and Mom,

For so long, I told myself that I would never burden you with this, that I would take this secret to my grave. But as the years have passed, it has become increasingly difficult to keep it from you.

I wanted you to know why I’m not married, why I stepped away from vocational ministry. I wanted you to know how I’ve processed all this and how much I’ve learned about the love of God. And I want you to know that I love you.

I don’t know why.

I feel very blessed to have had you as parents. I have always felt so loved and desired by you, and because of that, by God also. I want you to know that I do not think there is a single parenting decision you made that relates at all to my sexuality developing in this way. I do not understand the reason for my attraction, but I know it had nothing to do with you.

Don’t worry.

I don’t know what kind of fears you may experience after reading this. You may worry that I will eventually change my mind, that I may fall in love and marry a man.  But I want to assure you that I’m way too selfish to marry anyone. What a nightmare! That’s not the direction I believe God is taking me.

I’m not alone.

Please don’t fear that I’m going to die alone on my sofa in plaid pajama pants covered in Cheez It powder. God has given me so many people. I have so much love in my life.

Sorry about the grandkids.

It was always my plan to have a wife and children and a large backyard where we could all roast marshmallows and catch fireflies on summer nights. And maybe I’ll eventually have the backyard, but the rest just isn’t going to happen.

I want you to know how much I have appreciated that you’ve never pressured me to be anything but your son. Though I know you’ve wanted me to know the joy of having a wife and children of my own, you’ve never made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

I understand your shame.

The primary reason that I have waited so long to tell you about my sexuality is that it took me this long to accept it myself. I hated it. It brought me so much shame.  So first, I tried to change it. And when that didn’t work, I tried to ignore it. And when that didn’t work, I had to address it.

The second reason I have waited so long is that I knew how heavy a burden it would be for you to hear all this. I knew that it would make you so sad for me and for you, and I just couldn’t bear putting that on you if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

You’re probably worried what everyone will think about me and about you if they find out? Believe me, I’ve worried about all that for years now. It’s been paralyzing to think about the opinions of others.

But if it’s any comfort to you, I have found that most people just love me more. They have moved closer to me, expressed commitment to me, and reaffirmed their love.

God brings beauty from brokenness, and I’ve seen it in my life. Because of that, I’ve been letting go of the shame I felt for so long. It just started slipping away.  Maybe it will for you too.

Please take your time.

I want you to have plenty of time to process this privately. It took me a lot of years, so I have no expectations for you guys to work through this quickly. You may feel sad or angry or guilty or confused or all the things. But I hope you let the emotions flow and talk to God about them.

I’m very willing to talk about anything with you, to answer any questions you may still have. But also, we don’t have to talk about it at all.

I keep one of our old 5x7 family photos on the end table in my living room. I’m probably about four years old in the photo and am snuggled up on your lap, Mom. I look so happy, so loved, and also so cute. I keep it there because it reminds me how blessed I am to have been given such a great start in life.

I’m very proud to be your son. And I’m hoping you’re proud of me.

All my love,

Matt

The same day I gave this book to my parents, my mom texted me to say that she and Dad would always love me and that nothing would ever change that. I knew that would be her response, but I still cried when I read it.

After that text message, we never talked about my book, my story, or my sexuality again. We just interacted as though it never happened. Eight months later, my dad suffered a stroke and slipped away from us.

Shedding shame can be a long process, and “coming out” to family can be both freeing and frustrating. But I’m still grateful I did it. And I’m grateful for the way that my parents pulled me closer and, in the way they knew how, let me know they would always love me.

Have you come out to your parents? How did you come out to your parents, and what was their reaction? Or what prevents you from sharing your sexuality with your parents?