I can remember a time before sex. I wish I could forget everything about sex so I could relearn sex properly.

All I could think was: I am going to hell. I was obsessed with this idea that I'd never have a right relationship with God.

From the earliest time I can remember until I was almost done with college, my two older brothers abused me verbally and emotionally.

For a Native American who is struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) or views himself as gay, it's kind of hard to fit into this family dynamic.

I saw that my father had a very real relationship with God that was uncommon, powerful, and full of joy. I knew I wanted to be close to God because of Dad.

My whole life I've wanted the love of a big brother. I've always wanted to press into someone bigger than me, someone stronger, someone wiser. A big brother to hold me, a big brother to comfort me, a big brother to tell me everything will be okay because he's right there and he's not going to let me go.

An anticipated drive with my dad would prove to be a fracturing moment in our relationship. It was the moment my father failed me.

I will be reminded of this brokenness every time we are forced to gather. I hate this brokenness. For it is in this brokenness that my SSA came to be.

Because of this small step, I would be able to be more open to other people in the future, telling them about my struggle with my sexuality.

I'd had enough of life with only these types of strong male friendships while the other types of male friendships went severely lacking. Couldn't I just have "normal" heterosexual guy friends?

Today, while walking around work, I saw him again, this time from the back. I almost fell forward due to the unreal and freakish resemblance. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. It felt like I was being haunted by my best friend.

Later in my life when I was tempted to go after gay sexual pleasures, I could not escape the reality that only Jesus really satisfies.

Looking back, I still wonder: what happened that caused John to go from "best friend" to "somebody that I used to know"? It seemed instantaneous.

Without the past, we have no future. We either let the past keep us in chains, or the past props us up, prods us forward, pushes us to greater heights.

I longed to be someone else. To not have to carry the burden of different. It was so heavy. I soon began to pursue perfection. Not because I wanted to, but because it was demanded of me.

I’m a work in progress! Everyone is a work in progress, and that’s how life is. Slowly, but surely, we all strive to be what the Christian community calls holy!

There is so much pleasure and beauty in God and in what He does, I am motivated to say something about it! Much of what I write here will be glimpses of the beauty of God's work in the hearts and lives of myself and people I know.

I have wanted nothing more than a guy who would give everything to show his love for me. And this desire has warped my life in more ways than I could ever describe.

In 2008 I entered a desperate Google search: "Christians struggling with homosexuality." Finding that Xanga blogring community changed my life forever.