Admittedly, I am only two weeks into my new bearded life. Fear not, this post isn’t the equivalent of someone getting married and writing a “Why Marriage is a Struggle and Why I’m Great at It” how-to guide. I have no tips on growing or maintaining facial hair. But I have had some complex feelings around growing a beard and what that says about my masculinity.

Here's one vocabulary term I've taken away from therapy: euphoric recall. I'd never heard that phrase until last year, and it gives language to this nebulous internal struggle I've faced since my first bout with pornography at 19.

I just have a longing to be accepted, seen as a man among men. To feel like one of the guys. Yes, I've experienced those feelings with fellow "Side B" friends, but sometimes it only feels like one side of the coin.

My nudist desires have never been entirely sexual. I've long known that it comes from a deep desire for intimacy. To be known fully as a man by other men.

I've never much desired sexual intercourse with men. Throughout my life, however, my erotic thoughts and desires have centered almost entirely on nudity.

I love attending my church and uphold them to the highest regard. Unfortunately, I was hurt by my church – and this is my story.

I saw that this love actually motivated Jesus to die for me. It was like the Sun rose and took away all my darkness and emotional pain.

I can remember a time before sex. I wish I could forget everything about sex so I could relearn sex properly.

I will be reminded of this brokenness every time we are forced to gather. I hate this brokenness. For it is in this brokenness that my SSA came to be.