I wouldn’t say I have a close relationship with my dad. He could cut to the quick when scolding us, and I pulled back from my dad because I never wanted to bear the brunt of that; he seemed to have sensed that, and similarly pulled back from me. It may seem my dad is an ogre. But he’s a man, fallen like us all, and if I listed each of my own faults into one distilled paragraph, I would look just as terrible.

I honestly don't know the meaning behind dreams – whether they're because of the subconscious, or for something God wants to tell us, like He did for people in the Bible. Are dreams, in part, resulting from what's happened to us, things that we need to relive, or are they something altogether different?

Somewhere in the night, the role reversal from cuddling with Brandon completed itself. Lines got blurred and then definitively crossed. It wasn't sexual touch, but it was inappropriate touch. It wasn't welcomed or invited. Brett didn't ask; he just did. He took. Just as I took from Brandon, Brett took from me. And passive, conflict-avoidant me felt crippled to say a word against it.

2019 started out with a vision for a cosy, snug year, bundling up in the warmth of other people's bosoms. For those summer months, I was blessed to see that vision fulfilled, experiencing and giving love just the way I wanted. As for the rest of the year, well, God sure taught me another side to loving people than what I'd considered.

My friend asks: Do you think you would have struggled with gender identity, sexual identity, and same-sex attraction if your family life had been different?

Do I really want complete healing, or am I satisfied being a lifelong struggler? Is the self-pity I've surrounded myself with for so long too hard to leave?

From the earliest time I can remember until I was almost done with college, my two older brothers abused me verbally and emotionally.