Stepping Back Without FOMO at My Seventh YOB Retreat

I’m now the only member in YOB to have attended all seven of our YOB retreats. Sadly, six-timer Ryan couldn’t make it this year, so when Tom led an exercise that called out those who have attended all seven retreats, only he and I stood amid the entire group.

That moment has left me much room for reflection, thinking back to 2018 when we had our first YOB retreat. I’ll always remember how nervous our YOB leadership was at the time. We had no idea what was going to happen.

Would this first YOB retreat be a success? Would there be drama? Would people get so bored and turned off that they would leave?

Thankfully, that first YOB retreat was a huge success, along with all subsequent YOB retreats, despite some hiccups here and there.

These YOB retreats do bring up some bittersweetness. A few guys from those first few retreats are no longer friends, no longer in my life. Only one or two came from fallings out; others simply vanished – ghosted, flaked, or just disappeared off social media, never to be heard from again.

But I didn’t have time to dwell on those losses going into this year’s seventh YOB retreat – I had 53 name tags, 53 tribe stones, and 4 award plaques to make! I’ve been YOB’s “retreat craftsman” since the second retreat, doing my part to make the YOB retreat feel like you’re almost entering a different world.

I started beating myself up trying to come up with a unique design for the name tags this year, as the designs from the last couple retreats were inspired by the “Ave Maria” segment in Fantasia. I had to top myself this year! Especially since this retreat would be our most attended retreat, including lots of first-timers.

Finally, the idea of a lighthouse popped into my head: a natural setting against a sea shore, and Jesus is the lighthouse! BINGO! I wonder if God was like, “Okay, if you can’t think of something, let me give you an idea.”

The tribe stones turned out great as well, as I’ve learned a lot from botching the epoxy from the 2022 retreat. I found myself in a similar situation that year, trying to think of how to improve the tribe stones that were once simply spray-painted metallic blue.

Then came the idea of, “What if the stones looked like planets?” BINGO! I had to do it. This year, I followed that same direction while also improving it, trying out metallic blues, golds, and silvers to add to the swirly, intergalactic color palette.

Beyond the 53 tribe stones, I also created about 70 extra blank ones, which we used to decorate the entire front porch of our lodge. Did I overdo it? Nah. It created that “whole new world” feeling I like to go for.

But enough on all my prep work – how did my actual retreat experience go this year? 

It went great. As always, it’s great to reunite with old friends and pass around the hugs and affection, catching up on life. But this year felt a little different with 17 new members attending – some relatively new to YOB, and some having been in the community for a few years only to finally attend their first YOB retreat.

I loved meeting the new attendees, connecting with them in person for the first time. No doubt, I formed some great connections this year, and those moments will never not warm my heart.

But sometimes I actually like to step back and observe the room.

I’m one of those people who can enjoy watching other people having a lot of fun, and it truly did warm my heart to watch my other brothers enjoying their time together: chatting, laughing, playing games, cuddling, holding each other in long embraces. It was beautiful to see, especially all together in groups and not just separately.

Despite stepping back at times for this YOB retreat, I didn’t feel the FOMO. This fear of missing out has caused me great distress in places like gyms, for instance, when I’ve seen groups of masculine, presumably straight friends hanging out.

The big difference between these two scenarios is that with straight guys at the gym, I’m witnessing a world in which I can’t partake; whereas in YOB I’m witnessing a world in which I already take part, and I’m very happy to step back and see other guys enjoying our world.

I like seeing this love be spread around, I suppose.

This may have been one of the most emotional YOB retreats. Tears have been shed at the last few retreats, but they seemed more plentiful this time around. Or perhaps people were only crying because of our awkward bathroom setup?

No, it was moving to see so many guys touched by the fellowship and reconnection to God through worship. It truly was a sight to behold. I’m touched. 

Coming home from my seventh YOB retreat, I’ve continued to reflect on the friendships I’ve lost since the first one. It’s bittersweet, still hard sometimes. Especially having put so much effort into a community populated by people who are hurt.

Being here gets messy.

But other brothers have also remained in our community for the long run, even if they weren’t present at this year’s YOB retreat. Staying in this community has been more than worth it.

Being the retreat craftsman has been more than worth the work, too, crafting all these stones and name tags, even making them glow in the dark. Seeing connection and joy on the faces of my other brothers makes this work more than worth it every year.

How do you reckon with relational loss through the years? How do you appreciate more and more those who remain in your life?