A Straight Man Won’t Fix You

I have a straight friend who I’ve known for close to a decade now. He’s athletic, emotionally intelligent, funny, gives great hugs, and has cried in my presence more than once. He was the main person who encouraged me to move from the Midwest to California, and I have shared more tender, late-night conversations about life and struggles with him than just about anyone else in my life.

I’m not being dramatic when I say that I would die for this man.

Now I’m sure some of you are probably thinking, “Okay, good for you. I’m so happy that you have such a wonderful person in your life. Hooray.” But I promise I’m not just writing this blog to brag about my amazing friends.

A common theme I’ve noticed in male Side B spaces is that of the mythical “straight best friend.” Namely, that if we could only find a straight man who was the right mix of masculine, sensitive, and cuddly, we would be cured.

Cured of what? Childhood traumas, daddy issues, feeling like an outsider, lack of masculinity, or even same-sex attraction itself?

Well, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but as a queer man who has had multiple straight friends over the years that meet all of those criteria, it doesn’t work. I’m just as gay, just as flamboyant, and working through just as many issues with my sexuality and masculinity.

Going back to my one straight friend, I will say that he has been a tremendous influence in my life over the years – helping me become a better person by his words and actions. There’s a lot about me that wouldn’t have changed had I never met him, and I am incredibly grateful that the Lord brought him into my life.

But here’s the thing: I say that about most of the people I call friends – queer, straight, male, female. Every friend has affected my life in beautiful, profound ways, and I’m so much better because of them.

And honestly, straight men are just like us: flawed human beings trying their best. Our struggles may look different, but the more straight men I get to know, the more I’m made aware of the fact that we all struggle with the same things: faith, sexuality, masculinity. We may think about those things in different ways, but ultimately we’re all trying to make sense of this flawed reality in which we call home.

The problem, then, with the mythical “straight best friend” is that it can become an idol that takes the place of God. Instead of looking to Him when we feel broken or othered, we create for ourselves a golden calf (or golden man in this case) that we look to for deliverance.

It veers dangerously close to the false narrative preached by the world and the church: that you just need a partner to fix you and make you truly happy. We rail against the idolization of marriage in the church, and then turn right around and do the same thing by wanting that one friend who will fix us.

Oftentimes, I think we are so focused on trying to find that “one” that we chase away anyone else who could actually help, and we become lonely and bitter. I know I’ve definitely been there, and it’s a hole with only one way out. We should be focusing on fixing ourselves as we look to Jesus as our salvation.

When we work on becoming a better version of who God has made us to be, something pretty incredible happens: we start viewing ourselves through His lens, and we start to love that person more. Deeply knowing and believing that God loves us as treasured children is one of the most powerful things, because it puts the opinions and expectations of everyone else on the back-burner.

When that happens, we start caring less about the approval of people we’re jealous of and instead find contentment in the people who are sticking around and staying intentional in our lives now. People find that peace and contentment magnetic, and they naturally want to stick around.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that we have to be perfect to be loved. Ask anyone in my life and they’ll tell you that I’m far from perfect! I’m still a recovering people-pleaser, among many other things.

But there’s a huge difference between someone who is desperate for the approval of other people versus someone who knows he is priceless in the eyes of God – and that love from other people is just icing on the cake.

Put another way, an old Malagasy proverb says it like this:

“To catch a butterfly, don’t run after it. Rather, sit down and it will land on you.”

There is absolutely value in having a straight friend, inasmuch as it’s important to have a lot of people in your life who are different than you. It’s important to befriend people who don’t act, think, or look like you, as this pushes you outside of your bubble and exposes you to beauty in the differences.

Having one friend who you’re expecting to fix all your problems is a recipe for burnout and resentment.

One person (straight or not) will not be able to fix us. Real change requires work on ourselves, a variety of people to chip away at various areas, and a dependence on the only One who is making all things new.

Have you struggled with finding or idolizing the mythical “straight best friend”? For what are you really searching in your search for such a same-sex friendship?