The Challenges and Callings in My Mixed-Orientation Marriage

And now, Lord, thou knowest that not for fleshly lust do I take thy handmaid to wife, but out of sincerity and for the sake of posterity, in which thy Name may be blessed unto ages of ages.

I pray these words from my prayer book on a Tuesday morning as my family is out and about – children in daycare and preschool, wife working in the operating room, and I am alone before my icon corner. The words fill my heart with a feeling of being seen and known in the Church, along with an orientation toward how I follow Christ within my marriage.

I am in what some have called, for lack of a better term, a "mixed-orientation" marriage, succinctly defined as a marriage in which at least one spouse's experience of sexuality involves same-sex attraction. For our marriage, that spouse is me.

It’s a relatively unknown path, for on the outside our relationship operates within church life as any other couple pursuing a life of faithfulness to Christ. We're another mom and dad aspiring to "parent toward the Kingdom" some overly active children who are about to light the back of the church ablaze from misplaced candles.

Still, unique challenges can arise. The experience of shame in sexuality hits hard when assumptions are made about gender roles and relations within married life, or how the passions surface within one’s experience.

The world often tosses a sense of inauthenticity into the face of marriages like ours. It's like we're somehow "missing the mark" of marriage in setting down our desires in this pattern, when in fact every Christian is called toward martyrdom.

I can also hear the ringing in my ears, someone preaching that the only path for me is celibacy, that marriage under such circumstances is impossible. I am humbled by those who are called to such an extraordinary life in celibacy, a calling that is often exalted within my own tradition. And yet I hear the echoes of frustration from my early youth, not knowing what to do in response to this message of "celibacy or bust."

I'd discovered a strong fathering drive while also developing such strong emotional connections to the girls I considered dating. Maybe, I thought … marriage could be my path.

The priest Fr. Thomas Hopko finds me in a footnote to his work, Christian Faith and Same-Sex Attraction:

It may also be noted that men and women with same-sex attractions may be married to persons of the opposite sex if their same-sex feelings are disciplined and their spouses are willing to support them in their sexual life, as well as in their struggles with other feelings that accompany sexual difficulties, such as shame, guilt, anger, sadness, despondency, disappointment, and self-interest.

I read this footnote to my wife, who highlights how both of us are called to that struggle, regardless of our respective experiences of sexuality. Together, we are still invited to the same calling in marriage: to bear the image of God and represent Christ and the Church in our love for one another.

Why would I share this part of our married life, my sexuality, which some may see as so private so as only to be known to one's priest or pastor?

Three reasons:

First, to recognize that all of us may have distinct challenges which are unknown on the surface, and as such we all learn not to judge our brother.

Second, to avoid projecting paths for other people's circumstances, like assuming same-sex attraction automatically means celibacy or monasticism – or that opposite-sex attraction automatically means marriage.

And third, to recount for all of us how marriage is to be understood iconographically – that one does not marry to whet lustful cravings, but to walk but one of the paths by which we may experience Christ's relationship with the Church.

In this, may we bless the Name of Christ in our union for all our lives, "unto ages of ages."

Amen.

What are the challenges and callings of your "mixed-orientation" marriage? How have you approached someone who makes assumptions about the path you should take in your experience of sexuality? Have you experienced assumptions regarding the role of marriage in overcoming lust, and what have you known as helpful ways to address these assumptions?