Feeling Burned Out on Queerness

Several years ago I wrote a blog called "I Used to Hate Gay People." Don't panic, I haven't reverted back to that way of thinking. But I do think some cynicism has crept back into my worldview.

Before joining YOB, I definitely held hostile attitudes toward gay individuals. It wasn't just my religious beliefs about homosexuality; I was also just looking for guy friends. My ideal friend was a confident and (at least relatively) masculine straight guy with a "dude/buddy/bro" kind of personality.

Unfortunately, that's not what I found. My interests are primarily in the arts and creative world, which just so happens to be dominated by women and gay men – often the effeminate, uber-flamboyant stereotypes you've seen a million times.

Maybe I'm just a simple old-fashioned country boy from a backwoods chicken farm, but that sort of masculine personality didn't appeal to me.

It wasn't until I joined YOB many years ago that my heart softened upon meeting men of various shades of sexuality. Some were stereotypically effeminate, some only mildly so, and some more stereotypically masculine to the point where you wouldn't guess a thing otherwise about their sexuality.

Don't get me wrong, I still consider a vast majority of my experiences and relationships with YOB men to be quite valuable. To deeply relate with people of similar struggles and beliefs on sexuality has been touching.But I'd be lying if I said these particular relationships haven't also had their drawbacks.

Frankly, the "gay drama queen" stereotype can be very true. I've had to deal with quite a few of those relationships, and man can they get draining. A good chunk of these men have been very sensitive and insecure. I recognize that I can be a deeply sensitive, insecure guy myself, but even I've come across characters who make me want to say, "Geez get a grip will ya?!"

Sadly, some friendships have dissolved for seemingly no reason. Some men have thought it better to distance themselves than actually face the music and talk.

I also feel a certain alienation with my sexuality in how it differs from many other sexual minorities I've met. I've blogged about my asexuality and how often I struggle to relate with other guys who wrestle with desires for same-sex intercourse when I do not.

I feel a level of disconnect there that's hard to get over.

But what bugs me most is when queer people become extremely identity-driven with their sexuality. I'm not talking about the mere language debate, like using "gay" versus "same-sex attracted" to self-identify.I'm talking about queer people who mold themselves to the point where their personalities begin and end with their queerness: adopting every stereotypical personality trait and component of queer culture, and mindlessly parroting far-left politics.

When it comes to queer people like this who are formerly Christian, prolific "Side B" author David Bennett describes it as "exchanging one fundamentalism for another."

Some queer people splatter social media with pictures at a Pride parade, captioned by long lectures about how they are finally being their "true selves." But the cynical side of me only sees someone mindlessly conforming to another culture. I don't see any individuality present.I've recently returned to school for a second degree in graphic design, putting me in various art classes. I'm easily one of the more straight-laced people in my classes: one of the few without dyed hair, nose rings, or they/them pronouns. Most of my classmates are gayer than a handbag of rainbows.

One classmate prefers to be called by his drag queen name, endlessly lectures the class about his hatred for capitalism, has a Soviet Union hammer and scythe sticker on his laptop, reeks of weed, and even once danced shirtless with wooden clothespins attached to his nipples as he lip-synced the national anthem with projections of the KKK behind him – practically a walking meme of what the far-right thinks the left is like. The rest of the class isn't too far off.

I noticed this hubris amongst my classmates as they thought themselves to be "rebels" or "nonconformists who fight oppression." All I saw were people following a shallow trend -- no individuality, just a hive mind following what's trending on social media.

I feel such a helpless frustration that my interest in the arts automatically pigeonholes me into a crowd like this. And so begins my burnout on queerness and this longing for straight friends, starting with acceptance amongst straight guys.

I recently went bicycling with a fellow YOBBER in a college town. We ate at a local restaurant, and I saw many tables of college guys sitting together – masculine, presumably straight dudes galore. A lone attractive guy on the street doesn't trigger me much, even if they might cause me to turn my head.

But seeing a group of bros like that together at a table? It sets off my longings and FOMO like crazy. Whenever I see such a scene, I long for that to be the life I live or the crowd I belong with.

I must talk myself down from scenes like that by saying, "It's probably not as good as it looks." They're probably not having cuddle parties at home. They may have superficial relationships with each other. They probably haven't seen each other naked.

But still, part of me doesn't know all that for sure about these friendships. And the longings hit me hard.

Ultimately, I've learned that having 99% of my relationships be "Side B" guys can be great, though insufficient as I need to diversify. I need more straight friends.

But can I find straight friends in this day and culture that doesn't value deeper friendships among men?

Where do I look?

Do you feel burned out on queerness? In what ways do queer friendships bless you, and in what other ways do queer friendships cause frustration, tension, or other challenges?